


Say Nothing At All

by YohKoBennington



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, hurt!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 07:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3683970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YohKoBennington/pseuds/YohKoBennington
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something always goes wrong in a hunt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Nothing At All

**Author's Note:**

> Written for spninspiration April's fool challenge @ LJ.
> 
> Thanks to thursdaysisters for the beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.

 

 

Something always goes wrong in a hunt. Sam can count with one hand the times that hasn't been the case. He expects the unexpected to happen, and knows that makes no sense whatsoever, but can't help himself from trying to avoid for the unknown.

Yet, while his preparations don't make a difference most of the time, they can handle it. Except now Dean is missing and Sam can't find him. The more time goes by without a sign of his brother, the more his gut twists with dread and worry.

 

~*~

Something tickles on his eyes. Dean blinks them open, with more effort than he should need. His sight wavers between a smear of blue and white, before it focuses completely. It's snowing; flurries falling slowly from the sky and landing on his face. It's so cold all over, he can feel the accumulating snow under wetting his hair.

Why is he laying on the snow? Were they playing again in it, like when they were little?

Nah, that seems like the last thing they would be doing with how terse things are between them lately.

It's all Dean's fault, he's going to admit that straight up. Because Sammy... he's okay with all of it. But Dean said no, and used many excuses as to why it shouldn't be like this.

Dean was a coward, that's the truth. Now it all seems so stupid.

He can smell the tangy scent of blood in the air, and it doesn't take a genius to know it's his because he can't even feel his body anymore. Does he still have one at all?

And Sam is nowhere. Sam has to be safe. Dean hopes so. If he isn't Dean would never forgive himself. He'll do anything for that kid, Sam doesn't even has to ask because Dean's life has been all about keeping him safe and happy.

Except when Sam actually asked for something —something they both wanted but Dean was too much of a chickenshit to admit— he shut down and made things awkward between them. It could had been so easy to just give in.

What was stopping him, really? It wasn't the taboo, because with the kind of life they live and the crap they have seem, whatever people thought of them stopped mattering a long time ago. Or some sort of belief that he would be perverting Sam, because Sam is his own man, it took Dean time to be okay with that, but he is now. Besides, Dean never gave any reason to assume that it would be fine to go and kiss him, and by the horror written in Sam's face when the kiss had happened, it was obvious he wasn't expecting Dean to reciprocate.

It wasn't that Dean didn't feel the same way, he did, so much and for such a long time. But he convinced himself that Sam would never feel that way, and he took those feelings and locked them up deep inside his heart.

Then Sam changed that perception, and Dean had been living with that lie for years, had constructed a wall so thick around his not-so-brotherly feelings for his own brother, that when it finally happened the first thing he did was flee.

That's all it comes down to. He got scared of finally getting what he wanted and screwed everything up. God, Dean you're such an idiot sometimes...all the time...okay not all the time.

If Sam were here right now Dean would tell him the truth. Dean would tell him he liked the kiss. How proud and jealous he is that Sam was brave enough to take the step, not knowing what would happen, and how much was at stake. He would tell him he wanted to kiss him again, and again, until they don't know where either starts or ends. That he has dreamed of the things they would do together and how far that kind of relationship that would go between them. Dean would tell Sam he loves him; has loved him since he grew up to be this gangly teenager with too big of a mouth that got him in trouble more often than not with their dad. And that sometimes he thinks he's really loved Sam since the day he was put in his arms for the first time after mom and dad came back from the hospital.

Dean wouldn't let Sam believe he's alone in his feelings, and it's his fault, shit it's all wrong between them now. And he hopes he gets the chance to say those things, or that some part of Sam already knows at least some of it.

He wishes that knowing the kind of job they do, where the next day can be your last, he wouldn't have wasted time thinking and instead lived in the moment as a hunter should.

 

~*~

Sam finds a trail of blood, and his head goes through a whiplash of feeling relieved and scared at the same time. He's soon following the trail—it gets bigger the closer he gets and his stomach is down in his feet by the time he catches sight of Dean.

There's so much blood.

God, please let him be alive.

He's running before the thought is completely formed in his head.

Sam comes to kneel next to his brother’s inert body, eye roaming over the deep gashes all over his torso, tainting the white snow under him. Sam can't see if Dean is breathing or not.

"Dean, wake up." His voice shakes, knot in his throat threatening to choke the life out him.

Dean's eyelids flutter, and soon he’s staring back at him. A dry sob escapes from deep inside Sam, but he can't help smile a little because Dean is still alive, he held on, and maybe everything isn't lost. As he takes his coat and over-shirt off, using the shirt to make the futile attempt of stopping the bleeding, he finds himself praying inside his head. Asking to whomever is listening in Heaven to let him save Dean. Let him keep his brother. He'll never kiss him again if that what it takes. He'll bury his feelings deep inside, and all will return to normal. Dean won't hate him anymore, and they can be brothers again. As long as Dean is still alive, he'll do anything.

Sam blinks out of his daze when he feels a tug on his t-shirt. He looks down to find Dean's bloody hand leaving fingerprints in it, and then he glances back to his brother's face. What he sees in Dean's eyes almost knocks the air out of him. He tells himself that he's imagining it all. That as much as he knows Dean and can read him almost like a book, Dean couldn't possibly be looking at him as if Sam is the sun that raises every morning or Dean's favorite song playing in the Impala as he drives freely down the highway. With such intensity, and clarity, and need that as much as Sam denies it— it's there.

It confuses him, and it must show in his face because Dean frowns a little, and takes a breath that should had been deeper. "I'm sorry."

It's all he croaks.

It's enough.

Sam gets it.

Dean gives him a soft grin, eyes shining with regret and wistfulness.

Sam kisses him, because it's all he wants to do. He kisses Dean, and finally gets the response he was looking for a week ago when over pizza and beer Sam had glanced at Dean, and seeing him so content and being silly, he couldn't stop himself this time from finally acting out on the one thing he promised to himself he would never do.

Dean kisses him with every breath he has left, and with what it seems the intent of leaving his lips marked on Sam forever. Sam gives as he takes, sweep of his tongue tasting everything Dean and the blood that shouldn't be there. It's all that Sam ever wanted and could never imagine it would be, and his only regret is that he won't get to have it anymore. He's not ashamed of the tears that fall down his face as he feels Dean waning under the kiss. By the time Dean's hand stops fisting Sam's shirt and falls on the cold ground, the pain of losing everything he loves has taken over every cell of Sam's body and he's sobbing over Dean's slack face. He paws Dean's cheeks, willing him to open his eyes again. But no matter how much he yells to the sky to give him his brother back, how much he shakes Dean's body trying to will life into it.

Dean is gone.

And he took Sam's soul with him.

 

  
**~Fin~**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ♥


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